The Problem With Being Famous
by Logan'sLaura23
Summary: Something is wrong with the guys, all are in a battle with themselves. Hard to summarize without giving the story away, could be triggering. Mental illness mentioned.
1. Chapter 1- The Start of the End

AN: This was written by listening to certain songs. Here is a list of them;

Fallin' Apart (All American Rejects), The Art of Falling (Greg Holden), A Town Called Hypocrisy (Lostprophets), Sleep (My Chemical Romance), Teenagers (My Chemical Romance), Bullet (Hollywood Undead), Icarus (Bastille), Flaws (Bastille), Exit Wounds (The Script), Good Ol' Days (The Script), Secrets (OneRepublic), You Already Know (Train), Time Bomb (The Format), Broken Arrow (The Script), Some Nights (Fun), All Alright (Fun), and Bad Blood (Bastille).

Trigger warning, Mental Illness mentioned.

Chapter 1: The Start of the End

Prologue:

As I walked through the lobby, so much was on my mind. What are my new patients going to be like? What should I have for dinner? IS THAT A POOL?

As per usual, I'm probably over thinking, I should have nothing to worry about, it's the patients that should be worried...

*Logan's POV*

We all jump at the knock at the door. When I say we, I mean me, Kendall, Carlos and James, as Mama Knight and Katie are out having mother-daughter-bonding-time. Kendall paused the video game and walked towards the door.

"I will beat you guys" He says, just before we un-pause the game and he opens the door.

On the other side is a young lady, I would guess at around twenty five years old, she looks serious. Her long blonde hair put up into a simple pony tail and a pair of classic glasses perched upon her nose. Girls like that never move into the Palmwoods.

Beside me, I hear James and Carlos say our famous line. "New Girl, Nice". Ignoring them I turn back to the door.

"Are you guys Big Time Rush?" She asks in a formal tone.

"Yeah, do you recognise us?" James winks and replies flirtasiously.

"Not exactly, No"

"Oh then why do you ask?" Kendall questions, ever taking charge of the situation.

"I'm Doctor Sara Jones, I'm a psychologist. I've been asked by your manager to monitor your behaviour, to see if any of you have any mental illnesses. I will place cameras, in which the footage would only be seen by me and one other psychologist, Dr Benson, to get a second opinion before diagnosing. Just be yourselves because if there are any mental disorders, we can help."

She continues talking but I don't hear anything else. We are going to be watched? Seriously, you have to think that that is a little creepy. But what if she notices that I'm not exactly happy? What if she thinks that I'm depressed? What if this breaks up the band? What if, what if, what if. My head starts spinning. All these questions, all these problems, only one way to find out the answer. I have to act normal during this week and I have to go through it.

Wish me luck.


	2. Chapter 2- Messed Up, Big Time

Chapter 2: Messed up Big Time.

* * *

*Logan's POV*

"So the week's over, and I've concluded my findings. I believe that the fame has something to do with what I'm about to reveal." The doctor says, she knows I'm depressed. She must do, shit.

"To conclude, my second and I, believe that we can diagnose a mental illness in all of you."

We're all fucking messed up? Due to fame, right? What's wrong with the others? Fuck, I was so wrapped up in myself and my fucking problems, I didn't even think about the guys. On my tombstone it will say "R.I.P Logan Mitchell, Selfish Fucker".

Shit, what's she saying?

"We believe that Carlos Garcia has ADHD"

"ADH-What?" Carlos asks.

"ADHD, it stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." I explain.

"In words I know, Logie?" He questions.

"You are always hyper, and find it hard to concentrate on things, easily distracted, can't sit still, that kind of thing." I explain further, so that he understands.

"And? Is there a problem with that?" Carlos wonders.

"Mr Garcia, if I may continue?" Dr Sara, being polite once again.

"Go on" We all inquire.

"We believe that Kendall Knight has anger management issues"

"I DO NOT" he shouts, a little stereotypically. "Fine, continue with your report thingy."

"One of our more serious findings is that James Diamond suffers from bulimia."

"WHAT?" Me, Carlos and Kendall all say simultaneously.

James turns red and looks down at his feet. "Umm" he clears his throat. "Yeah, I'm sorry guys".

"To finish up this investigation, we have found that Logan Mitchell has depression and anxiety. If you have any queries containing your mental illness, do not hesitate to call." She hands us a card and then leaves.

"Well, that was kind of rude." Kendall breaks the silence.

"Yeah" I reply quietly. "We're all fucking messed up."


	3. Chapter 3- Trying to Fight

Chapter 3: Trying to Fight

* * *

*Logan's POV*

"So what do we do now?" Carlos asks.

"I don't know, I just don't know" I reply, no point in hiding any uncertainty now. All my secrets have been ripped out and shown to the world- well the guys at least.

"We don't tell anyone-not even Mom and Katie. We keep this all too ourselves and fucking get over our problems. Carlos, be less hyper. Logan, be fucking happy- other people have it way worse. And James, stop fucking making yourself throw up, you don't need too." Kendall, giving his worst speech ever.

"You can't just tell people to fucking get over it. It doesn't work like that. And that stupid bit about others having it worse- well others have it better does that mean I can't be happy? You know so little about my life; it's hard to believe we're actually best friends. It's crazy." I argue, something snapped inside me. "You have no fucking idea, you don't understand." I whisper, close to tears.

"Then tell us, Logie" Carlos pleads. "We can't help you if you don't tell us."

"James needs help more than me." I admit quietly. "Hey, buddy, ever heard the saying 'Hug friends not toilet bowls?"

"No, but I get it" He smiles gently. "Guys are problems aren't going to go away overnight or by forgetting about them."

"We know James, We know" Kendall says carefully. "But it's easier to forget than to actually deal with them"

I think carefully, trying to come up with something. This is one of the most important and meaningful conversations that I've had with my friends. Normally we do jokes and good time, not heart to hearts- except about girls.

Carlos interrupts my thoughts. "We should just keep it between the four of us and help each other. Every Friday evening we should talk, we should pay more attention to each other. I don't want to lose you guys." He gets close to crying at the end. Then I realize that I don't want to lose them either, I wouldn't be able to survive without them. Yes, they annoy me so much and treat me like shit. I think, remembering that everyone didn't want to ride with me and that I was the 'short straw'. It still hurts.

"I'll try to get better, I'll really fucking try" I tell them, not revealing that I'll probably just hide everything more.

"We'll all try." James replies. "Agreed?"

"Agreed" We all say together, but it's the biggest lie I've ever told, and no one will suspect a thing. We have each other but I don't want help, I don't want to get better. I doubt I can ever be happy again. But will hiding it all actually work?


	4. Chapter 4- Knowing

Chapter 4: Knowing

*James' POV*

They know. They fucking know. They all think that I'm a freak that makes himself throw up. They don't understand. They're all so perfect, the only thing I am is 'pretty'. I want to be thin as well; this was the best way I could think of doing it, without them suspecting a thing. I used to eat too much. Too much pie, too many cheeseburgers, meatball subs, even dog biscuits. I had to stop. I had to get rid of it somehow. But they don't understand, they're all so good at everything, Logan's a genius, and Kendall's smart and sings amazingly, Carlos put so much effort into everything, he's crazy but he shouldn't be any other way. They don't understand.

* * *

*Carlos' POV*

I know. I fucking know. I know why I'm always so crazy. I know it's not my fault. I don't understand. Why me? I know I've always been this way, it's just, why? Logan once said that mental illnesses are something to do with chemicals. Does it mean like an explosion in my brain which makes me really crazy? I just don't understand. Does it mean I'm not normal? I just don't get it. Maybe Logan can help. I don't understand how he's not happy- does he not see how cute kittens are and how wonderful sunshine is? Maybe it's like he's wearing sunglasses or a blindfold and can only see the darkness. Kendall's always got angry easily, he's shot tempered, but James. James loves food, why would he waste it like that? How can he do that too himself? Being sick is gross. I just don't understand.

* * *

*Logan's POV*

They know. They fucking know. They all think I'm weird, just because I'm not happy, because I can't see the goodness in the world. They don't understand. They're all so amazing- James is good looking, everyone loves him. Carlos is the cute kid who's friendly to everyone and Kendall, Kendall is smart, kind and talented. I'm none of those things. They think I'm smart, but I'm not, so many people are way smarter than me. They don't understand, I'm nothing but thousands of flaws. I could write a book of things I don't like about myself. Everyone thought I should have been kicked out of the band. First with the Wayne-Wayne situation, the whole 'My money's on Logan' thing. Well, I'm sorry that I suck at everything. Then Kendall told me what Katie told him in the ducts- that'll I'll be kicked out. I should have just quit there and then, but I didn't, because of the guys and Camille. They're the best things in my life, but to them I'm the 'short straw' or I get things wrong just because I give money to get people to like me. I'm sorry that that's the only way people will ever like me. They just don't understand.

* * *

*Kendall's POV*

I know. I fucking know. I knew there was something wrong with them, I just didn't know what but now I know. It's just I don't understand. How come we're so messed up? We've overcome so much, Hollywood fever, fans and the British invasion, but we can't overcome our own minds? That's what's fucking messed up. Theses 'illnesses' are controlling us. We're not in control anymore. James is now best friends with the toilet bowl, Logan might try to top himself and Carlos could easily get too hyper and get into an accident. What happened to the four hockey players from Minnesota? Who nothing could go wrong for if they were together. I don't fucking understand.


	5. Chapter 5- Downhill Battle

Chapter 5: Downhill Battle

*James' POV*

(The First Friday)

Well Thank God that it's over. I told them that I have only made myself throw up five times since Monday, the day we found out. It's true, but I have barely eaten- only when they're in the room, but sometimes I have to run to the toilet, the thought of it sitting in my stomach? It's worse than actually vomiting.

Eughh, I'm a horrible human being. According to the 'meeting' which took place in a pool cabana, we're all making progress. I don't think that I'm the only person hiding things. My stomachs rumbling- I love and hate that feeling. I love knowing that its empty and I'm closer to being skinny but I hate that it wants food- I give in too easily. I fancy a bowl of cereal right now, but I'm not going to have it. I'm in a battle with myself.

There is another problem with my growling stomach, the other's might hear and make me eat something. I just feel so fat, I love food but I'm fat. I have to stop completely. Not eating at all, that's my real goal. The guys think my goal is to reduce the amount of times I vomit, not to reduce food.

I'm not so stupid now, am I? I made a plan, I can hide stuff, and I can act. But people only want skinny actors. Fat people don't make it in Hollywood. Being skinny is my goal; people love you if you're skinny. No one likes fat James Diamond. I'm just a 'diamond in the rough' until I'm skinny. Well look at me, making jokes.

People say eating disorders are monsters that take you over. You get agitated easily, but it's the eating disorder talking. We don't mean to be mean but we can't have people knowing that all we've had to eat today is a slice of toast (no butter) and half a banana and even then I stuck my fingers to the back of my mouth and made myself vomit until it was just that horrible tasting bile. That's how I know there's nothing left in my stomach. That's how I know that meal times are over.

* * *

Food is all that I can think about. A huge big beef burger covered in ketchup, salad and a giant roll with a plate of fries smothered in mayonnaise, salt and vinegar. Then the biggest ice-cream sundae for dessert with so many different ice-creams and cream, and sauce and brownies. Warm chocolate brownies with chunks of white chocolate in the middle that melts in your mouth when you bit into it, oozing with chocolate flavour. Accompanied by chocolate milk, of course.

Now all I can think about is dinosaur chicken nuggets and alphabetti spaghetti. I should run, I'd lose more weight that way. I need to clear my mind and stop thinking about food. I'm falling downhill.


	6. Chapter 6- Crazy

Chapter 6: Crazy

*Carlos' POV*

We are all trying. We all agreed. I think that the meeting went well but I get that horrible feeling that I'm being lied to, although I don't know who's lying- it could be any of them.

It's currently midnight and I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. I can't ask Logan- he hates being woken up, James is asleep and God knows where Kendall is. Before I went to bed he wasn't back, and I haven't heard the door yet.

Man I feel lonely, is this how Logan feel constantly? I'm so worried about my boys, where is Kendall? It's good to know that James is being sick less and that Logan is going to get some antidepressants.

Can you get anti-hyper stuff? Would it be depressants? At school we were told that alcohol is a depressant, would that help me? Mama Knight has no alcohol in the apartment though. But I could easily buy some beer. I'm not old enough, but they'd sell it to me, right? Because I'm famous I should be able to get it.

I probably sound crazy right now, but I need to do something. I can't live like this forever, and maybe if I was less hyper I'd be able to tell who was lying, maybe I could help the others.

We're so damn messed up, we all need help. How do I know that they're still alive? I don't. I hate night time, I worry loads, I have to help them. I could go check up on Logie, but he might think I'm being nosy, if he's still awake. I'm going to have to do something.

I better get up and go for a walk. I'll take my headphones, if not I'll get bored, as there's no one to talk to. I could go buy that alcohol, or at least try.

Great. I have pins and needles in my legs. I knew I shouldn't have sat crossed legged on my bed- like a five year old. I always find to get back to normal I have to kick my legs. Right, I'm up, too the kitchen area for some water.

Back to my room to get dressed, I'll put on sweatpants and a hoodie, maybe I'll go jogging. I better get going; it's now nearly one am.

I feel like a rebel, leaving the apartment in the middle of the night, to go buy alcohol of all things. When did I get so messed up? I'm crazy.


	7. Chapter 7- Struggle

Chapter 7: Struggle

*Kendall's POV*

The guys are lying. They're not 'fine'. I had to clear my head. I had to get out. So here I am, Palmwoods Park in the middle of the night. I feel like such an idiot. I even brought some cigarettes. They weren't cheap it's just maybe the smoke will block out the corners of my mind- letting me forget everything for a while. I might need something stronger than tobacco. I should talk to guitar dude, everyone knows he sells weed.

I get out my lighter and touch it to my first cigarette. I only came here so that no one could see how crap I am at smoking and that I'll probably have a coughing fit.

At school we were told that each cigarette shortens your life by eleven minutes, but that really doesn't bother me. Man, this feels good, it's so relaxing. I can't believe I could do this to my friends. I'm smoking. Am I crazy? Probably, I needed to do something and smoking was the first thing that came to mind.

I was speaking to that doctor lady earlier; she said I could get a punch bag and start a diary- to release my feelings. It sounds pathetic. Writing a diary is so girly, although I think Logan does it. Shit, I should probably get back- I doubt any of them are missing me, it's just if he's awake, Carlos will probably be worrying.

He's such a little kid sometimes, like Peter Pan, he'll never grow up. How am I going to be able to smoke in the apartment? Or with the guys near me 24/7? How? I could go into the bathroom, there's a fan thing in there to prevent bad ventilation. I guess it would filter the smell. I should go get some mints or gum, if not my breath is going to stink.

Maybe we should give up the band and move back to Minnesota, maybe it's for the best, before we all go to an early grave. Why was it us? Why? It could have been anyone but us. Why? We all have our problems; will it always be like this? We need help, but do we want it? Will we always struggle? They'll always be new challenges and problems, we will always struggle.


	8. Chapter 8- Pain

Chapter 8: Pain

*Logan's POV*

The mental pain is destroying me. My head is constantly aching. It's tearing me apart. I don't think I can do it anymore. It's killing me. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't have the guts to actually drink bleach or overdose or something. I'm already lying to the guys about getting antidepressants, I'll take an aspirin instead- it should numb my pain- mainly these fucking headaches.

There must be another way. I've heard about self-harm. I was on this website, where people admit their secrets and lots are about using razor blades to cut their arms. I could try that. I have spare sharpeners I could use. But I don't have a screw driver? Will scissors work if not?

I bring the scissor blade to the tip of my left index finger and drag it across. Ouch, like a paper cut, but it feels strangely good, it's bleeding a little now. I need more blood.

Maybe the tip of the scissors will fit in the screw. Bingo, it fits, and time to twist. Seven turns is all it takes, seven turns is what stood between me and destroying my body with bright red scratches. I pick up the blade; it's shiny, with a hole in the middle. One edge is sharp, I push it down, as hard as I can into my skin, and drag across. It hurts like hell but it clears my head at the same time. It's so strange. I repeat it again and again. I then have over fifty cuts between my wrist and my elbow, on my left arm. The blood keeps flowing and it's strangely calming. I love it already. Guess who has a new hobby! The blood is starting to dry, my arm feels heavy. In ancient times they used to 'blood let' using a bleeding cup or leeches, they thought that you could have too much blood. I'm not self-harming, I'm bloodletting. A medical procedure, I always wanted to be a doctor. Letting out blood feels ridiculously good, seriously. I should do this every day.

I reach under my bed to find my first aid kit; I should bandage this mess, and hope that no one finds out. I can't let the blood stain my bed sheets. I can only do this when Kendall isn't in our room, or late at night when everyone is asleep or in the bathroom, that way no one can enter and find me covered in blood and tears.

It hurts like hell, especially when I move my arm or accidently bash it, but I like it. No scratch that, I love it. Pain to overcome pain. It makes sense; you should occupy your mind with physical pain rather than going insane from the mental pain.


	9. Chapter 9- Undiscovered

Chapter 9: Undiscovered

*Logan's POV*

No one has found out. Thank god. My secret is safe. And now it's Friday again. I've been self-harming for a week, and it's been the best week for a while. It's just I can't swim now, and it used to be the better bit of life- it helped me clear my head, but not anymore. I have cutting for that. If I told them, they would think that I'm crazy, they wouldn't understand, they'd make me go into a mental hospital. I can't do that. I just can't. I can't wear short sleeves anymore; it's either long sleeves or a cardigan. I'll hide. It's the only way. I'll probably cut even more after the 'meeting' tonight. We're all so fucking messed up, it's hard to believe. My best friends who only became my friends because I did their homework. They're not sane. I just can't comprehend it. I can't believe I missed it for so long. If I was insane, why not the others as well? I'm a bad friend. I didn't know, I didn't realize. Maybe I should punish myself, but how? 'MORE CUTS' my head is screaming at me, I guess it's an addiction already. It's so weird how you can become so addicted to something so destructive but I guess all addictions are destructive; self harm, drugs, alcohol, and chocolate. It's a struggle to smile. It hurts, I just can't. It's sad, that even though my life is others dreams that I hate it. Fame just isn't for me, and clearly it isn't for the guys either. I just hope we stay undiscovered- the press would have a field day.

* * *

*James' POV*

No one knows. Thank god. If they found out that I was starving myself- they'd think that I'm crazier than they already think I am. They'd force feed me. I can't have that.

I can't lose all my hard work. It's taken me months of making myself vomit to get this far, and this week has been the best. In seven days all I've had to eat is an apple and a banana, got to keep it healthy!

Luckily the guys haven't noticed. They're not constantly watching me- they're all too focused on themselves. I've been wearing baggy clothes as well, sweatpants, hoodies, and loose tops. When they mention my lack of energy, I tell them that I'm tired, well it's true. I'm drained of energy but I love it. I don't think I can back flip anymore, and I won't be playing hockey either.

They don't know, and it feels so good to have a secret that no one else knows, at the same time, I want to tell someone, I want help and I don't want help. It's so confusing and complicated. It makes no sense. I think Katie knows something is up, she doesn't miss a thing.

I'm glad that the press don't know. We'll be ruined; we'd have so few fans sticking by us. I'm glad we're undiscovered.

* * *

*Carlos' POV*

It's my secret. They don't know. They have no idea that little crazy Carlos likes his drink. Alcohol, it tastes so nice, you forget things for a little whole, and you're not in control. It's great. I love it.

I just hope they don't find out. They'll all say that I'm an alcoholic. I'm not; I don't have it for breakfast. I just get drunk by myself every night. It's what we young folks do.

I don't need help. I need drink. Cider, vodka, beer, whichever is fine. I love it. I just hate waking up with a splitting headache and remembering how shit everything is. We're all fucked up. It's crazy.

I'm certain that none of them know, unless I don't realize that I'm shouting or something when I am drunk. A week is all it took to destroy myself, one fucking week. Seven days, I don't have a clue how many hours.

Let's hope that they don't find out, especially the public, I don't dare to think about what would happen if they knew. I'm staying undiscovered.

* * *

*Kendall's POV*

It's all good, they don't have a clue. I'm smoking, and not just your classic cigarettes. I spoke to guitar dude and I paid him extra, so that he wouldn't tell anybody. I think it was quite smart. Its good stuff, I forget everything.

I'm seeing him later tonight for some more, within three days I used it all. He better have some more. I'd like to try LSD though, it looks like fun. Still no one would car or notice. Aren't I lucky?

Mom and Katie seem oblivious to the fact that us guys are barely talking to each other. That James barely leaves his room, that Logan never talks to anyone- not even Camille, and that Carlos is never in. Our friendship is dying, I don't want it to but it was inevitable. We're growing apart and nothing can save us now. It's sad. All the years of being inseparable and now we're completely separated. I miss them. I still see them every day; I just miss their old selves. Later tonight we have our 'meeting', last week Carlos was so eager, today he just seems like he's lost heart- like we're unsavable. It's really sad.

I'm just happy no one knows. No one, not Jo, not Lucy and not Camille- not anyone. I guess we're lucky that no one cares. We're lucky that we're undiscovered.


	10. Chapter 10- Broken

Chapter 10: Broken

*Logan's POV*

It's been a month. One fucking month. A month of self harm and hiding. A month of wishing to be dead. A month of needing to get out of life. One month, one fucking month. It's all changed. My body is littered with cuts and scars, and no one has a clue. I'm completely invisible. Not seen, not noticed, and not cared for. Not at all. I'm lucky we've had a month of work- it was nice of Gustavo. But we have to go back today, that's why I'm awake at 4.30am. I've had almost half an hour's sleep, I just can't sleep. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and every time I close my eyes the darkness seeps in and it doesn't leave.

* * *

*4 Hours Later*

I'm sitting eating cereal when the others walk in. I got out of bed at seven to get ready, after reading the whole of a book (I'm a quick reader). They look a mess. When did James get so thin? How could I have been so blind? We all look each other in the eyes, as if to say "We can't tell Gustavo". We don't talk about it anymore; we gave up with the meetings after the second week. It's been lonely barely talking to them, I miss them. There's no way we can tell anyone, especially not Gustavo- even though he organised what happened that is tearing us apart. Sort of, he took us to LA and he got that Doctor lady to assess us, but he can't take the blame entirely, we all blame ourselves somewhat.

"Wow, you lot look rough." Katie comments as she joins us for breakfast.

"Yeah, we were up playing video games, last night." Kendall lies, covering for all of us.

"Liar" She accuses. "I know you big brother. I'm not stupid. You're all crazy".

"We're not crazy, Katie." Carlos steps in.

"Err, yes you are. You're an alcoholic Carlos." The rest of us look shocked but luckily Mama Knight isn't here. "You guys didn't know? You thought I didn't know? It was pretty obvious, I found your empty bottles weeks ago, you're lucky that I didn't tell Mom. It's clear that the guys didn't know either. Well, obviously, James was too busy starving himself to even notice anyone else was on the planet." She continues, leaving shocked faces, once again.

"Ha. You lot didn't know. What great friends you all are." She says sarcastically. "My darling big brother, the one and only Kendall Knight..." She continues in the sarcastic tone, when she changes it to a more serious one. "...is doing drugs."

She takes a sip of her orange juice before continuing. "You guys should ask guitar dude, he'll tell you how much Kendall has smoked; he told me that Kendall likes weed the best."

I begin to silently pray that she hasn't noticed my problem, but she's sneaky, she'll know.

"Oh guess what guys, this one's the big shocker, Logan cuts himself. As it said in his diary, he 'deliberately drags a razor blade across his skin and waits for it to bleed, the more blood, the better.' Get yourselves together; you guys don't hide these things well. If you don't sort it out, I'm telling Mom." She finished up her rant and walks to the orange sofa and turns on the TV, loudly. I'm just glad Mama Knight was out for a jog, meaning that she didn't hear Katie's outburst of accusations.

We look at each other shocked, unsure of how to fix ourselves. We're broken. Broken beyond repair...


	11. Chapter 11- Shock

Chapter 11: Shock

*Logan's POV*

"I can't believe you guys didn't fucking tell me." Kendall shouts.

"Like you're one to talk- druggie." Comes Carlos' reply.

"Oh shut it, alc-y- we've all got problems." Kendall responds.

I begin to struggle to concentrate on driving- I keep going dizzy, I shouldn't be driving but what choice do I have. I have to keep going.

"I know we all fucking have problems but it's not our fucking fault." You know when Carlos swears, that it's serious. Carlos never swears. I start fighting back the tears, another thing to obstruct my sight whilst driving.

"Well I'm sorry that I'm fucked up inside. Man, I hate all of you. If I wasn't ever friends with you guys, I would never have got you to come to LA, which caused us to be so messed up." Kendall rants; I hope he doesn't mean it.

"You hate us?" James whispers in shock.

"I hate us," Carlos says. "We messed up, what about our fans? Their role models-" He stops mid sentence, not revealing what we already know. We are the worst role models ever.

And suddenly it builds up on me, and I utter my first words of the day. "I hate me". I think the guys understood that I don't hate them, there's only one person in the world that I hate and that's the person thinking of these words. Me.

"What on earth Logan?" Kendall asks.

"I know what he means." James says. "I hate me too. I hate everything about myself. I hate that I'm fat, and that it was my dream that got us here in the first place. I really hate myself. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. YOU HAPPY NOW WORLD? HUH?"

'I'm sorry you feel like that." Carlos murmurs, unsure of how to handle this.

"Actually it is your fault James." Kendall starts. "It's your fault that we all fucking moved to LA because Gustavo didn't like you. I wish we were dead." He shouts clearly angry at us.

"I wish I was dead." I whisper, barely audible but they all heard me clearly. I truly mean it, I want to die.

Suddenly I hear the screech of tires and see the brightness of headlights through pouring rain on a miserable Monday morning. I guess I should be careful of what I wish for...


End file.
